This chapter is a language toolkit: concrete phrases that reduce the risk of unintentional harm and increase the chance the person feels safer, steadier, and less alone. The goal is not to “fix” feelings or find the perfect words; it is to communicate steadiness, respect, and practical support.
Core principles for wording (a quick concept map)
- Neutral + specific beats inspirational + vague: “I can sit with you for 10 minutes” is more regulating than “Everything will be fine.”
- Ask, don’t assume: Use permission-based questions to avoid taking control away.
- Reflect impact, not interpretation: Name what you observe (“You’re shaking”) without diagnosing (“You’re having a breakdown”).
- Offer choices: Two or three options reduce overwhelm and support agency.
- Keep it human: Short sentences, calm tone, and pauses. Let silence work.
1) Helpful phrases organized by goal
A. Ensure safety (physical and immediate)
Goal: communicate that you are oriented to the present moment and willing to help with immediate needs without escalating fear.
- “Are you hurt anywhere?”
- “Do you feel safe where we are right now?”
- “Would you like to move to a quieter place, or stay here?”
- “Is there someone you want to call or have with you?”
- “What would help you feel a little safer in the next 10 minutes?”
- “I can stay with you while we figure out the next step.”
Step-by-step (micro-script):
- Orient: “We’re here at [place]. It’s [time].”
- Check immediate needs: “Do you need water, to sit down, or medical help?”
- Offer a choice: “Would you prefer I stay close, or give you a bit of space?”
- Confirm: “Okay. I’ll do that.”
B. Convey calm (without telling them to calm down)
Goal: lend steadiness through your pacing and language. Avoid commands (“Relax”) and instead offer co-regulation.
- “I’m here with you.”
- “We can take this one step at a time.”
- “Let’s slow things down together.”
- “You don’t have to figure everything out right now.”
- “Would it help if we took a few slow breaths, or would you rather just sit?”
- “I’m going to speak slowly—tell me if you want me to stop or repeat anything.”
C. Validate feelings (without amplifying panic)
Goal: communicate that their reaction makes sense, while staying grounded in the present.
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- “That sounds really hard.”
- “I can see how much this is affecting you.”
- “Given what happened, it makes sense you’d feel [scared/angry/numb].”
- “You’re not overreacting—this matters.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.”
Tip: Validate the emotion, not a harmful belief. Prefer “It makes sense you feel guilty” over “You should feel guilty.”
D. Offer practical help (without taking over)
Goal: reduce immediate burdens and support problem-solving with consent and small steps.
- “What’s the most urgent thing to handle in the next hour?”
- “Would you like help making a call, finding information, or getting home?”
- “I can [do X], or I can stay with you while you do it—what would you prefer?”
- “Let’s write down the next two steps so you don’t have to hold it all in your head.”
- “Do you want suggestions, or do you want me to just listen?”
- “What has helped you get through hard moments before?”
Step-by-step (offer-help sequence):
- Ask permission: “Would it be okay if I offered a couple options?”
- Offer 2–3 concrete choices: “We could call [person], find a quiet spot, or get you some water.”
- Let them choose: “Which one feels most doable?”
- Confirm roles: “I’ll do [task]. You can focus on [task].”
- Check back: “How is this pace for you?”
E. Encourage connection (without forcing disclosure)
Goal: reduce isolation by supporting contact with safe people and supports, while respecting privacy and readiness.
- “Who feels safest to reach out to right now?”
- “Would you like me to sit with you while you text them?”
- “Do you want company, or quiet support nearby?”
- “Is there someone who usually helps you feel grounded?”
- “If you don’t want to talk about details, we can still make sure you’re not alone.”
2) Statements to avoid (and safer alternatives)
Some phrases are common because they are meant kindly, but they can land as dismissive, pressuring, or blaming. Use the alternatives to keep your support neutral and respectful.
| Category | Avoid | Why it can harm | Try instead |
|---|---|---|---|
| Minimizing | “It’s not that bad.” “At least…” | Signals their feelings are too much or inconvenient | “That sounds really tough.” “I’m glad you told me.” |
| Toxic positivity | “Everything happens for a reason.” “Just stay positive.” | Pressures them to perform optimism; blocks real emotion | “This is painful.” “We can get through the next step.” |
| Comparisons | “Other people have it worse.” “When I went through…” | Shifts focus away; creates shame or competition | “Your experience matters.” “Do you want to share more?” |
| Advice-giving (too soon) | “You should…” “Here’s what you need to do.” | Removes agency; can feel controlling | “Would you like ideas, or would listening help more?” |
| Blaming | “Why didn’t you…?” “You brought this on yourself.” | Increases shame; shuts down disclosure | “You did what you could with what you knew then.” |
| Unsolicited interpretations | “You’re in denial.” “This is because of your childhood.” | Feels invasive; can escalate distress | “I don’t want to assume—what do you think is hardest right now?” |
| Interrogating for details | “Tell me exactly what happened.” | Can overwhelm; may feel like an interview | “Share only what you want. We can focus on what you need now.” |
| Promises you can’t keep | “I won’t tell anyone.” “I’ll fix this.” | Breaks trust later; creates false security | “I’ll respect your privacy as much as I can.” “I’ll help you find support.” |
Quick self-check before you speak
- Is this about my discomfort? (e.g., rushing to reassure)
- Am I taking control? (e.g., giving orders)
- Am I making meaning for them? (e.g., interpretations)
- Did I ask what they want right now?
3) Responding to common disclosures with neutral, supportive language
Use a simple structure: acknowledge → validate → invite → offer a next step. Keep it brief and adjustable.
A. Grief (“I can’t believe they’re gone.”)
- Acknowledge: “I’m so sorry.”
- Validate: “It makes sense this feels unreal.”
- Invite: “Do you want to tell me about them, or would you rather sit quietly together?”
- Next step: “What would help in the next hour—water, a ride, calling someone?”
Avoid: “They’re in a better place.” “At least they lived a long life.”
B. Guilt (“It’s my fault.” “I should have…”)
- Acknowledge: “You’re carrying a lot.”
- Validate: “Guilt can show up after something intense, even when you did your best.”
- Invite: “What part feels most heavy right now?”
- Next step: “Would it help to talk through what you knew at the time, or focus on what you need tonight?”
Avoid: “Don’t feel guilty.” “You shouldn’t think that.” (These often intensify guilt.)
C. Anger (“I’m furious.” “I want to scream.”)
- Acknowledge: “I hear how angry you are.”
- Validate: “Anger can be a response to feeling hurt or powerless.”
- Invite: “Do you want to tell me what’s fueling it, or would moving your body a bit help right now?”
- Next step: “Let’s find a way to get through the next few minutes safely.”
Avoid: “Calm down.” “You’re being irrational.”
D. Shame (“I’m disgusting.” “I’m so embarrassed.”)
- Acknowledge: “That sounds really painful to hold.”
- Validate: “A lot of people feel shame after something overwhelming.”
- Invite: “What are you most afraid I’ll think of you?”
- Next step: “We can go at your pace. You don’t have to share details to get support.”
Avoid: “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” (Can feel like you’re overruling their inner experience.)
E. Fear (“I’m not safe.” “I can’t handle this.”)
- Acknowledge: “You’re feeling really scared.”
- Validate: “After what happened, that fear makes sense.”
- Invite: “What feels most threatening right now—being alone, the thoughts, the place?”
- Next step: “Let’s focus on the next small step: where you want to be, and who you want with you.”
Avoid: “You’re safe, stop worrying.” (If they don’t feel safe, this can break trust.)
4) Adapting wording for different relationships (with boundaries)
The closer the relationship, the more personal your language can be. The more distant the relationship, the more you should rely on respectful neutrality, consent, and clear limits.
A. Supporting a friend (warmth + consent + follow-through)
- “I care about you. Do you want comfort, problem-solving, or distraction right now?”
- “I can come over for 30 minutes, or we can talk on the phone—what’s better?”
- “Do you want me to check in later tonight, or tomorrow morning?”
- Boundary example: “I can stay on the phone until 10, and then I need to sleep. Before I go, let’s plan what support you’ll have after.”
B. Supporting a colleague (professional warmth + privacy + role clarity)
- “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Do you want a quiet space or someone to walk with you?”
- “Would it help if I covered your next meeting or helped you message the team?”
- “You don’t have to share details. What would make the rest of today manageable?”
- Boundary example: “I can help with work logistics, and I can also help you find the right support outside of work.”
C. Supporting a stranger (simple, respectful, time-limited)
- “Hi. I’m here. Would you like help?”
- “Do you want me to call someone for you?”
- “Would you like me to stay nearby until help arrives?”
- “You can say as much or as little as you want.”
- Boundary example: “I can stay with you for a few minutes, and I can help you connect with someone who can stay longer.”
Language that maintains boundaries without sounding cold
- “I want to support you, and I also want to be honest about what I can do.”
- “I’m not the best person to handle that part, but I can help you find someone who is.”
- “I can listen now. If you want ongoing support, we can look at options together.”
Phrase bank (mix-and-match)
Permission and choice
- “Is it okay if I sit here?”
- “Do you want me to listen, or help you think through options?”
- “Would you like a suggestion, or would you prefer no advice right now?”
- “Do you want company or space?”
Validation and grounding
- “That makes sense.”
- “Anyone in your situation might feel this way.”
- “You’re not alone in this moment.”
- “We can take it minute by minute.”
Practical support
- “What’s one small thing that would help right now?”
- “Would you like me to write that down?”
- “Let’s make a short list: first, second, third.”
- “Do you have what you need for tonight—food, a safe place, a ride?”
Connection
- “Who can be with you today?”
- “Would it help to text someone together?”
- “Is there someone you trust who should know you’re having a hard day?”
If you’re unsure what to say
- “I’m not sure what the perfect words are, but I’m here.”
- “I don’t want to assume—what would feel supportive?”
- “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Short role-play prompts (practice scripts)
Role-play 1: Overwhelm in public
Scenario: A person is visibly distressed in a waiting area.
Your task: Use permission-based language, offer two choices, and avoid commands.
- Starter line: “Hi. I’m here. Would you like help?”
- Constraints: No “calm down,” no “you’re fine,” no “what happened?” interrogation.
Role-play 2: Friend shares guilt
Scenario: A friend says, “It’s my fault. I should have known.”
Your task: Validate the emotion, avoid arguing them out of guilt, and offer one practical next step.
- Starter line: “That sounds really heavy. What part feels hardest right now?”
Role-play 3: Colleague is angry at work
Scenario: A colleague snaps, “No one cares. This place is a joke.”
Your task: Reflect emotion, protect boundaries, and offer work-appropriate help.
- Starter line: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated. Do you want a quiet minute, or help handling what’s next on your schedule?”
Role-play 4: Shame and withdrawal
Scenario: Someone says, “Don’t look at me. I’m so embarrassed.”
Your task: Reduce exposure, offer control, and avoid reassurance that dismisses shame.
- Starter line: “We can step somewhere more private if you want. Would you like that, or would you rather I just stay quiet here?”
Role-play 5: Fear about the next hours
Scenario: Someone says, “I can’t handle tonight.”
Your task: Use small-step language and connection prompts without making promises.
- Starter line: “Tonight feels like too much. Let’s focus on the next hour—where do you want to be, and who do you want with you?”
